Sunday, April 10, 2005

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
So you understand less as the pages turn



I really feel like venting, and being long-winded and angry and honest, for once.

I've been having a hard time with dancing lately. It's been frustrating and not very rewarding. And I was expecting that, kind of, but I didn't think it would be as hard to deal with as it has been. I understand that now that I'm a little girl in a big company where there are a zillion people who are far better dancers than I am, and that I need to wait my turn to be in dances, and in the meantime I am supposed to learn as much as I can and be quiet and wait on the sidelines until it's my time. I understand that now I'm at the level where I'm supposed to work hard and correct myself, rather than have an instructor correct me and help me. It's not really about being taught anymore, and I get that, but I don't know how ready I really am for it. What if I still need that instruction? What if I've made a horrid mistake my jumping into this so early? It all happened so fast. In a matter of months I went from a small-town recreational dance club, to a serious junior ensemble, to one of the best semi-professional dance companies in North America. It's been fun and it's been exciting and faced-paced, but lately it's also been really hard. I feel like I'm working, and it's not paying off. I know that, and I know why, and I know that my time will come eventually, but waiting is proving to be much more difficult than I thought it would be. I've gone from being absolutely thrilled about going to dancing to positively dreading it. It doesn't feel particularly fun anymore. I hope it will get better as the years go by, as I grow and improve and learn, but to be honest I'm not sure I've improved at all in the past year. In fact, if anything I think I've gotten worse. And what if I keep going and going and going for years and it never amounts to anything? What I've plateaued right here, and I'll never get any better and there's nothing I can do about it? I don't want to waste all of these years doing something that I dislike so entirely if there is no promise of things ever looking up for me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm really cut out for this at all.

And that being said, I'm off to rehearsal.


Hailey spazzed at 12:10:00 p.m.

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