Saturday, April 24, 2004

I'm Wearing Stripe-y Pants.
And a horrid t-shirt from the sixth grade. But you didn't need to know that.



04/24/04 - as an afterthought, I want to add that the reason I wrote this was not because I wanted to tell everyone (hah - like the two entire people who read this) my decision without having to acctually TELL them. I know how easy it can be to hide behind a computer, and I know how hard it can be for me to talk about anything serious face to face with someone. That wasn't my plan. It's just that yesterday was the day that I started talking to some of my friends about it and it was really stressing me out and I wanted to try my best to sort things out instead of freaking out about it all weekend, and typing is so much easier that writing and this blog is mine and I can say whatever I want. So there. (hehehe) Okay I'm done now.


I usually like weekends. However, I don't think I like this particular weekend because in light of recent events, I would really rather not spend two days at home alone with my thoughts. But maybe if I just got it all out right now, it wouldn't be so bad? I suppose now is as good a time as ever (and I can always delete this later if it turns out that I manage to embarass myself horribly).

I will not be going to High School at LHS. At least as it stands right now, that is not the plan. I know that a few other people in my grade are planning on going to a new high school as well (and one is acctually going to the same high school that I am going to) - and I'm worried (because I am a big, stupid worry-face) that people will think that I am just going because other people are going and that I want to get away from LHS because "it sucks". And they would be wrong. Because as small and strange as LHS is, it doesn't really suck that much. It's not all bad, really. They try. I had (I am having?) a good experience there, mostly (this year is just weird all around). There were a lot of places I could have chosen to go to school. I chose this particular school for a lot of reasons...it offers so many more courses that I can take. I will be able to learn Ukrainian there, which is something I have wanted to continue learning ever since I left elementary school. I can take art. I can do a whole lot of things there that I wouldn't be able to do in the school I am at now. Also, it's a Catholic school, which is pretty important to me. Especially recently, my faith is something that I am really interested in learning more about and here I would get to learn about it and discuss it with people my own age who are like me and want to know these things too. (I know thats kind of a loser-y thing to admit, but I'm serious) I know people who go to this school - two of my cousins graduated from there, and one of them will be graduating next year. A few of my dancing friends go there as well. One of my cousins, who I look up to sosososo much was talking to me during the Easter break, when I was still having a really tough time deciding what to do for High School. She said, "I hated Junior High. I cried every day. But I wouldn't trade my High School experience at ABJ for anything." and I thought about how much I hate going to school now and how I cry about it all the time and how nice it would be to look forward to going to school again. And I don't know if changing schools is the answer, but it might be. I mean, I know it's not a smart idea to "run away from all of your problems" and whatnot but I don't know if this is really "running away"...maybe I really just need a change?

My parents have really put the decision in my hands, but aren't too afraid to voice their opinions. At least, my dad isn't. He thinks that I need a change of some kind (and I guess I agree), because I have become very "blah" (again, I agree) and don't do a whole lot anymore besides schoolwork and dancing. (and really, there isn't time for much more. Well, I guess there is but a lot of the things between my friends and I have changed over the past year, too. I'm not as close to them as I used to be and therefore my social life is practically nonexistent. I'm not as close to anyone as I used to be, though. I don't know how they (or I) expect this to change by my going to a different school but I think that getting to know new people might make a difference. Or something. Oh, I don't know!) Sometimes I wish my parents would make up my mind for me, because I don't know whether or not I am doing the right thing. I really don't. Not even a little bit.

I met with the principal of my new high school last week. The meeting went quite well - I really liked the principal and I liked all of the things he told me about the school. He seemed so genuinely interested in me and that was very different and very cool and I was surprised and impressed and excited and nervous and my leg was shaking the entire time I was sitting there (which is the most annoying thing ever). And after I met with him, I went over to my aunts house and she and my cousin and my mom helped me choose my courses and fill out all of the forms and things. And the next day, my mom faxed them back to the school and ever since then I have been registered. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I kept thinking that I would change my mind and that then I would have this big mess because I had just told them all that I was leaving when really I wasn't. But then today one of my friends sat with me and asked me flat out (well not completely flat out...she pretended to read my palm. She said that she felt that there was something I was not telling her about my decision for next year...) and then she asked me if I was leaving. And I bit my lip and nodded. And now I am still wondering whether or not I am doing the right thing. And there is no way for me to find out ahead of time. And I don't want to spend my whole weekend wondering. But I will. I will . spend the whole rest of the school year wondering, and the entire summer too. And I won't know untill halfway through the year whether or not I did the right thing.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. It's pretty late, so I'm tired. Plus I keep going back and adding thing in places and I'm not sure how they fit. But whatever. I'm going to bed and in the morning I bet that I will delete this entire thing.



Hailey spazzed at 1:30:00 a.m.

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