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Friday, March 12, 2004
Oh. My. Lord. Okay so at dancing lately I've been having, like, anxiety attacks where my stomach starts to hurt and it's not like a regular "oooh I have a stomach ache" hurt, it's like major-I-am-practically-in-tears-and-going-to-vomit-or-exlpode-or-spontaneously-combust-pain. And so I went to the doctor and he did some x-rays and stuff and there is nothing medically wrong with me at all and it's all anxiety related which is absolutely freaking wonderful because that means that there is nothing that they can do for it besides tell me not to worry anymore and send me on my way. He did give me some anti-anxiety medication, but that is only to be used in EMERGENCIES (I wonder if every single Monday and Thursday counts as an emergency) because they are only supposed to be used if you are over 18 or something. Even now, I am only supposed to take half of a pill (and the pills are really small). The side effects are drowsiness, weakness and uncoordination, however, and that makes it just PERFECT for dancing. Absolutely perfect. Dancing had been soooo much fun for me. I used to practically count the HOURS until my next class and now it sometimes seems like a chore for me to go because I am constantly worrying about getting sick. Even my instructor noticed something wrong..he talked to me during Mondays class. He asked if I was feeling okay, because he noticed that I haven't been myself lately. "You've been trying to be yourself," he said, "But you aren't." I, for one, would like to know where exactly 'myself' went and when it's planning to grace me with it's presence once again. I hate feeling so completely out of control of my body. I don't ever know what the hell is going on with it and why it's acting so retardedly and when it's going to stop acting retardedly and I don't even know WHY I keep worrying about dancing. Especially because I was FINE at the beginning of the year, and the beginning of the year is when you would expect me to be nervous...starting out in a new company, bigger and more wonderful than anything I had ever experienced in my life. I got nervous, sure, but I never completely went postal like I am doing now. I don't know what is going on with me and I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate not knowing. I don't know what to do anymore. Hailey spazzed at 10:46:00 p.m. ***
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