Wednesday, August 13, 2003

My hips have been hurting lately. I first noticed it at dance camp, where the pain was so intense it made me cry. I thought it would go away once I was finished camp, because I was doing so much more dancing there than I'm used to doing normally. I was hurting all over, as was everyone else, and I thought that it was just another ache to add to my list.

Then I came home and sure enough my hips stopped hurting, but they would make the most hideous cracking noise and I couldn't lift or put down my leg without feeling tiny pop in the joint. That worried me a little, but I thought that once I started dancing it would loosen up and be fine. Yesterday [one week before my pre-season classes with my new ensemble] I started to do some ballet barre to get myself prepared for classes and halfway into my plies, they started hurting again. I don't think that this is going to just go away any more.

My cousin Chelsey is the most amazing dancer I know. All I've ever wanted to be when I grew up was her. I wanted to dance just like her - I looked up to her in every way possible. A few years ago, she had to stop dancing because her hips started hurting. I don't want that to happen to me. I'm not ready yet. I remember Chelsey saying once that getting near the end of her dance career, she was mostly dancing for everyone else's approval, and not because she loved it anymore. If I ever get to that point in my life, then I'll stop dancing. But I'm not there yet. I'm just getting started. I just got into the dance group of my DREAMS and I'm nowhere near ready to end this. Having to quit dancing would be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I can't imagine my life without dance. I can't imagine LIVING without dance. It's all I think about and all I want to do. There is nothting in the world that makes me happier than I am when I'm dancing.

Everyone who knows me knows that it's not often that I cry. If I do cry over anything at all, it's something little and stupid and completely insignificant. But last night thinking about this whole situation brought me to tears. I am so scared.

Ohmigoodness - I sound like such a...I don't know - Whiny, self-absorbed-fluffy-dance-obsessed-overreacting brat. This whole thing is worrying me, sure - but don't you think I overreacted just a tad? I guess It's just that I've seen what can happen wit things like this and I 'm scared it will happen to me. I'm really, really not ready.

Hailey spazzed at 4:03:00 p.m.

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